Leading With Love and Compassion
This blog is for the individual that desires more of themselves + the people in their lives.
The journey of being in community with my parents has been nothing short of, let’s just say, interesting. For most of my life, I've rarely had both of them present at the same time, and now is no different. When my father came back into my life during COVID, it felt like a turning point.
Read MoreI did not grow up with my parents staying together. It was one of the things that I missed the most. Not them specifically being together, but the idea of a love so expansive that it survives. I would have settled for a divorce coupled with a reconciliation that echoes “We did it.” It never happened + I never got to see two people making it, in + out of love. I missed that. It was not like I was a child that whispered, “God please keep my parents together.” I often prayed the opposite + hoped that they find peace individually. However, as I got older, I begin to see that relationships are this complex narrative that everyone tries to figure out. Some people never figure it out because they in no way make it to the part that ends in completion. It just stops. Abruptly sometimes, but all at once. Sometimes it ends so rapidly, everything comes undone + nothing can be salvaged. I was hoping that my parents could reclaim a few things left from the wreckage. But they never survived.
Read MoreFathers hold a substantial about of weight in a child’s life + I carry the residue of this sentiment. My existence came on the hills of my mother’s + father’s relationship which I learned later in life was destined to never stand a chance. My father wanted kids + my mother did not so I was conceived in a womb that was vacant from the beginning. I understand that children can sense everything just from the intention of the space they reside. I understood that my existence frustrated my mother not because she did not want kids, but she wanted so desperately for her marriage to work. So when my father could not remain on the pedestal society put him on, he quickly fell from grace + so went my self-worth along with the marriage.
When I think about my father + I there are few memories. Some of which are tainted with absence, addiction, laughter + hurt; yet it all tells a beautiful story of a man I never knew. When I think over the history of my life experiencing my father, I remember the silence of a man that never understood the power of his own words due to the pain of his own parents. His laughter was filled with all the things that he often desired as a child but never got to enjoy until he became a man. His stature was built from being torn down from the lack of a mothers’ touch, a father’s affirmation + a world that didn’t see the value in him. His anger was often like the wind, unpredictable + harsh; but if you were armed with the right stance you could learn a lot from his breeze.
Read MoreI have spent my entire life making sense of my parents in an effort to make peace with my childhood. When people look at a woman who has been abandoned by her father, it becomes a reflection of every other man that walked away because it was too hard to stay. Her words are often weaponized due to the experiences she has endured. She will build a fortress of barriers that will hurt her to construct but it will be safer than the embrace of a man. Her heart will often remain tucked in places she buries + forgets to check hoping someone finds it minimally damaged. Its quite complicated!
Read MoreMy father is a strong man. Yet, when I was younger he wasn’t tough enough to stay faithful, or solid enough to be present, not even sturdy enough to be drug-free, and definitely not robust enough to not be physically and verbally abusive. I believe that you have to fully understand a person in order to see the good in them (trust me, I am going somewhere with this). I don’t believe in making excuses for people because some things are just unacceptable! However, clarity is a powerful thing when coupled with understanding.
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