Leading With Love and Compassion
This blog is for the individual that desires more of themselves + the people in their lives.
Embark on a transformative journey with me as I navigate the intricate landscape of motherhood while breaking free from generational patterns. Despite being a seasoned life coach, life's relentless tests persist, prompting me to practice what I preach. Join me in striving for excellence in parenting, empowering my daughter “CanadaTheGreat”.
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Parenthood is a transformative journey filled with love, laughter, and countless memorable moments. However, it's no secret that raising teenagers presents a unique set of challenges that can significantly strain our relationships with our children and our marriages. In this blog post, we dive into the thought-provoking insights that explore the intricate dynamics of parenting middle and high schoolers while balancing the needs of a marriage and self-care. Join me as I unveil parents’ unspoken struggles and uncover practical strategies for navigating this critical phase of family life.
Finding Balance Amidst Responsibilities: Raising teenagers often means juggling academic demands, extracurricular activities, and social pressures. It's no wonder that many couples find it challenging to strike a balance between nurturing their children and maintaining a healthy marriage. My wife and I are strict about keeping our regular date nights.
Unlocking Effective Communication: Communication is the key to any successful relationship, but it becomes increasingly complex when raising teenagers. Hormonal changes, emotional sensitivity, and evolving identities can strain the lines of communication between parents and their teens, consequently impacting the marriage. My wife and I communicate often and daily; it helps to find humor and stay connected in a busy world (also, we are not glued to our phones).
Nurturing Identity and Connection: Couples need to navigate their personal growth while nurturing the marriage as our children grow into independent individuals. However, the demands of parenting often leave little room for self-discovery and shared interests. Therefore, my wife and I support one another as we continue evolving into the women we want to be.
The Power of Self-Care: Parenting is an all-encompassing journey that can leave us emotionally and physically drained. Neglecting self-care affects our well-being and adds to the stress experienced in our marriages. Therefore, my wife and I always ensure that we are active such as taking yoga and walking in our community (being active is essential to growth).
Seeking Support and Professional Guidance: Recognizing when to seek external support is a sign of strength and a valuable resource for couples navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Whether through counseling, joining parenting groups, or seeking advice from trusted mentors or friends, reaching out for guidance and how it can positively impact marriages and families. My wife and I swear by counseling (I firmly believe that as much as you help others, you must seek help as well).
Raising middle and high schoolers while nurturing ourselves and our marriages is undeniably challenging. However, we can actively work towards creating a harmonious and fulfilling family dynamic by acknowledging and addressing the unspoken struggles.
I grew up in a dominant family system, raised by a single black mother who was the oldest of 12 children; I should not be the mother I am. I say this as a head nod to my mother but a revelation to myself. I should not be the mother that I am. Truthfully I can’t take the credit solely; my wife is a “G,” and in her defense, she would say that she was much more neglectful with the oldest kids. We admit that it was less to worry about when she raised the older kids. However, today we realize that to raise secure kids, you must be unequivocally secure, or someone will suffer, and I suspect it won’t be just the kids.
Read MoreImagine birthing something only to realize you had to let it go. You couldn’t possess it, + you only were allowed to facilitate their growth based on their lived experience. This is parenting. It is the mirror that most of us mistake for our reflection when it really is a glimpse of our unresolved pain. It is a blessing to see the flowers bloom that you plant, but no one ever tells you the times your heart will shatter during certain seasons. No one explains the growth you will endure by raising a part of yourself. No one discusses the guilt you carry from wanting to do everything right while thinking, “I’m failing miserably.” Maybe it’s just me.
Read MoreSo here we are stepping into a new season. Somewhere I imagined this day. I even anticipated it. The day your moon would come to claim you as its own. I remember when you looked at me with such uncertainty, hoping that my love never diminished. Praying that this was the moment we empathized with each other because we could now understand the journey we both were taking. Isn’t it miraculous how the Universe climbs into our lap without warning only to swallow our fears and replace them with massive portions of purpose that will only fit in the Creators hands?
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This moment is essential not because it’s a photo of black women but it’s a snapshot of generations being healed + patterns being broken. When I divorced my kids father I didn’t understand the gravity of witnessing a family being torn apart by epigenetic trauma while trying to balance your truth + your kid’s hearts. It’s complicated!
Read MoreThis is my mother + we are re-building what it looks like to be in relationship with one another. When you are desperately “over parented” you spend most of your life in conflict with your caregivers/parents realizing that you never had the option to relax. You ingest anxiety in every interaction always wondering who your mother really is + if she ever desired to be her own woman. It has taken all of my mother’s life + mine to come to a place where we both release the weight of our undue expectations regarding the life we wanted. She didn’t have it to give + I don’t think she wanted to because historically black mothers didn’t have the time to extend love. Grief colored the tone of my mother’s voice leaving most interactions virtually impossible.
Read MoreEach day I raise my son, I am reminded that I still need to be mothered from a space of compassion from not seeing many decent men in my life. As I look at my son, I release him from my clutches fully understanding that so many black mothers made their sons their husbands + fathers trying to reclaim the “promise”. It’s complicated! I hug him often reminding him of his greatness rather than subjugating him to my hopes + dreams like the proverbial black mother. .
Read MoreI seek to love my kids in a way that allows them to understand what love looks like + what love feels like. I am honored to have a boy + a girl but truthfully I am always working on being equitable. Judicial in a way that gives my son a space to be soft + loving. I remember when I was younger watching men objectify women + abuse them. Meanwhile, I have had the luxury of dating amazing men; yet I only have felt safe with women. It’s complicated! .
Read MoreThis picture represents the beginning which started 9 years ago + by all accounts we shouldn’t be standing here unscathed + unbothered; yet thicker than thieves. We should not be unequivocally committed to our friendship, our children + remaining in each other’s life by any means necessary. Yet here we stand. Closer than most friends + people still wonder “what’s the catch?” The only thing we have managed to come up with is that God loved us so much that he entrusted us with each other + we accepted the mission. Most people wouldn’t, I get it + truthfully for a long time we didn’t want to stay in each other’s life. However, what we have cultivated is extremely bigger than US.
Read MoreRaising you + your brother has sometimes all at once been the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. It is still difficult, but I love it + sometimes all at once I cry because I love you for being so amazingly resilient. The things you give up as a parent are endless, from sleep, to just getting up + going, to hanging out when you want, to being able to have certain things to yourself + yet sometimes all at once you surrender your will + ego for the greater good. I fear that I have failed you, especially before I found myself because operating from my inner child was rough. I was petty, afraid, insecure at the ways that you loved me + I couldn’t quite love myself (not yet anyway) + then all at once you grew me up. I began to love you in ways that my mother couldn’t often being triggered by the ways that I still needed what I was giving you. It’s complicated! I tell you that sentiment often, because it is extremely complicated as I wonder will I have what it takes to give you the wings you need to soar + sometimes all at once you soar a little higher.
Read MoreWhen met with the daily task of parenting I am often reminded that all of life’s situations serve the purpose of your spiritual evolvement. However, when you are tasked go within yourself in search of the emotional lessons during a common reoccurring show down of parent vs kid; everything that happens to you is significant. Am I still parenting myself? Hell yes! Do I feel like I am a good parent considering all of my faults? Absolutely! Nevertheless, am I often triggered by parenting? Yes, yes, yes! To be honest, my children are growing me up. They are maturing me in ways that my childhood left no room for. The sad byproduct of a parent with unmet needs is the humbling realization that I can either be completely authentic or perpetually embarrassed. So I choose to respectfully surrender my wills to the power of accepting myself (flaws + all) so that I can selflessly accept my children in all of their wonderful glory.
Read MoreTo carry the intersections of being black + a woman on the carousel of life while juggling the intersections of class + gender one must dissect the tradition of overcoming being a black woman. The black woman has endured destruction at every door + sometimes at the hand of her own mother, the mere reflection of her own likeness has been betrayed by generations of abandoned women. Unfortunately, even herself is not beyond her own suspicion. It’s complicated! She’s intelligent; but often insecure. She’s attractive, but often undesirable because her attitude reeks of rejection. She’s extremely loving, but unapproachable. She wears abandonment like cashmere; unemotional yet refined. Everyone has overlooked her; therefore, she must display a disposition of being perpetually guarded. God forbid she is exposed as false with all the blankets of contradictions. Striving in her career to overcompensate for the relationship she longs for. Playing interpersonal relationships like chess; never working with women who may challenge her for fear of being seen as an imposter. Dismissive at best; intimidated at worst. We struggle being seen because we have been overlooked for so long.
Read MoreTo be perfectly honest, being a mother transformed me. It exposed my agony of growing up without a father + it opened my soul to the woman my mother desired to be. In fact, it reminds me that everything isn’t as easy as it looks + sometimes raising your child looks eerily similar to your own upbringing. I imagine when the Universe bestowed children to individuals, it was a form of endearment. Somehow, I’m still learning how to parent myself hoping that my children make it to adulthood minimally unscathed. Daily I gather my mistakes + rinse them with goodness hoping to see a better reflection of myself. Every day I speak life into my children for all the conversations that escaped me as a child. Regularly, I shower them with love for all the adoration that went towards cultivating a warm house + full fridge. Frequently, I show up with arms wide for all the closed doors + silent evenings that were normalized as security. I’ve learned that the joy of motherhood exists in giving my children what I didn’t have.
Read MoreI was raised by a mother who was tough as a fistful of “no thank you’s”; yet resilient enough to beckon the sun to shine even when it was raining. She raised most of her siblings, missed half of the school year working to provide for her family + married the first person that resembled a deep breath. Convinced that she had escaped a life of monotony, she conceived me with a man who never achieved success, so he recycled ignorance. Nevertheless, my mother raised me with fortitude + grace bestowing on me all of her failed dreams + the effects of being neglected. It sounds cruel as if my life was being ruined; however, it was being created from the residue of a generation that carried the weight of being extraordinarily resilient.
Read MoreWhen I reflect on my years as a parent, I often wonder how am I doing it. I am astonished at how I am able to give my children the very things I missed as a child. I am overwhelmed at how I speak to them + acknowledge their every effort. I am surprised at how I am intentional about exposing them in an effort to spark conversations that will give them the space to be critical thinkers. I often remind my children that I would be remiss if I didn’t confess that I am far from Mary Poppins + I am not even reminiscent of a Claire Huxtable; yet somehow I manage to give them what I never received.
Read MoreIt takes two mature adults to dismantle a union + walk away with everyone minimally unscathed. It takes two caring adults that despite all unfortunate circumstances to make a concerted effort to raise emotionally healthy, secure children. Even more, it takes two adults dedicated to ensuring that the common goal is always about the children. I am convinced that my need to get along with my ex for the sake of my children has always been my ultimate priority. I am even more convinced that children suffer not because of messy separations but due to immature adults that refuse to remain focused on the best interest of the children.
Read MoreMy father is a strong man. Yet, when I was younger he wasn’t tough enough to stay faithful, or solid enough to be present, not even sturdy enough to be drug-free, and definitely not robust enough to not be physically and verbally abusive. I believe that you have to fully understand a person in order to see the good in them (trust me, I am going somewhere with this). I don’t believe in making excuses for people because some things are just unacceptable! However, clarity is a powerful thing when coupled with understanding.
Read MoreIf you want to know what matters most to me…just spend 10 minutes with me and you quickly realize that I love my kids, my phone hardly rings (except for my friends and my wife), and I care about people. If you want to see me get extremely serious…play when it comes to education, mistreat anyone; especially someone I love and all bets are off! However, if you want to see my cry, become grievously inaudible, act sanguine in the face of fear…catch me parenting my kids.
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