Leading With Love and Compassion
This blog is for the individual that desires more of themselves + the people in their lives.
I'm a bit late in penning this post, but honesty is always the best policy, right? Mother's Day took on a different hue for me this year. While my children and wife never fail to shower me with love, it's also a time for reflection, a dive into the complexities of my role as a mother, influenced not only by my personal experiences but also by the intricate threads of matrilineal lineage.
Read MoreParental wounds, huh? They're like these deep grooves carved into our souls, especially when you've felt their sting firsthand. My wife and I are no strangers to this. We've spent countless hours unpacking the baggage from our relationships with our folks, especially our moms.
Read MoreRecently, I've found myself drawn to reflect on the journey of women and the essence with which we navigate life. This introspection takes me back to a poignant moment when my daughter embarked on her first menstrual cycle. It was a time when I felt compelled to gather the women in my life, forming a circle of community to guide her into this significant phase of womanhood.
Read MoreIn my quest for longevity and fulfillment, I've come to realize that the cornerstone of such a life lies in the profound embrace of love. Reflecting on my journey, I can't pinpoint the exact moment when this revelation dawned upon me, but I vividly recall witnessing my mother's valiant struggle with love—a journey marked by single-handedly raising me, shouldering the burden of caring for her family, all while neglecting her own needs and battling with the shadows of depression.
Read MoreEmbark on a transformative journey with me as I navigate the intricate landscape of motherhood while breaking free from generational patterns. Despite being a seasoned life coach, life's relentless tests persist, prompting me to practice what I preach. Join me in striving for excellence in parenting, empowering my daughter “CanadaTheGreat”.
Read MoreJoin me on this thought-provoking journey as we explore the multifaceted landscape of perimenopause through the lens of identity, culture, and empowerment. Together, we'll shed light on the unspoken and share wisdom that transcends generations. It's time to rewrite the narrative and embrace the beauty and strength that comes with this transformative phase of life.
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Parenthood is a transformative journey filled with love, laughter, and countless memorable moments. However, it's no secret that raising teenagers presents a unique set of challenges that can significantly strain our relationships with our children and our marriages. In this blog post, we dive into the thought-provoking insights that explore the intricate dynamics of parenting middle and high schoolers while balancing the needs of a marriage and self-care. Join me as I unveil parents’ unspoken struggles and uncover practical strategies for navigating this critical phase of family life.
Finding Balance Amidst Responsibilities: Raising teenagers often means juggling academic demands, extracurricular activities, and social pressures. It's no wonder that many couples find it challenging to strike a balance between nurturing their children and maintaining a healthy marriage. My wife and I are strict about keeping our regular date nights.
Unlocking Effective Communication: Communication is the key to any successful relationship, but it becomes increasingly complex when raising teenagers. Hormonal changes, emotional sensitivity, and evolving identities can strain the lines of communication between parents and their teens, consequently impacting the marriage. My wife and I communicate often and daily; it helps to find humor and stay connected in a busy world (also, we are not glued to our phones).
Nurturing Identity and Connection: Couples need to navigate their personal growth while nurturing the marriage as our children grow into independent individuals. However, the demands of parenting often leave little room for self-discovery and shared interests. Therefore, my wife and I support one another as we continue evolving into the women we want to be.
The Power of Self-Care: Parenting is an all-encompassing journey that can leave us emotionally and physically drained. Neglecting self-care affects our well-being and adds to the stress experienced in our marriages. Therefore, my wife and I always ensure that we are active such as taking yoga and walking in our community (being active is essential to growth).
Seeking Support and Professional Guidance: Recognizing when to seek external support is a sign of strength and a valuable resource for couples navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Whether through counseling, joining parenting groups, or seeking advice from trusted mentors or friends, reaching out for guidance and how it can positively impact marriages and families. My wife and I swear by counseling (I firmly believe that as much as you help others, you must seek help as well).
Raising middle and high schoolers while nurturing ourselves and our marriages is undeniably challenging. However, we can actively work towards creating a harmonious and fulfilling family dynamic by acknowledging and addressing the unspoken struggles.
Whether you're struggling with your own mother wound or looking to support a friend or loved one, we hope you'll find this information helpful.
Read MoreToday I pause to acknowledge a beautiful black woman that has been a part of my life for 17 years. The mere notion that two black women who met when they were young, relatively immature, and still learning to love themselves, yet have managed to witness the evolution of one another, is impressive. I met Kupae [ coo-pay] when we were both newly married (at the time, I was married to a man), and we were both attending the same church, trying to create the “perfect heteronormative life” or at least one that felt worthy of what society thought of us. We immediately hit it off because when you show up as your authentic self, even as you have so much more to learn, the core of your friendship is immediately cemented.
Read MoreLately, I have been thinking about how the mother wound and its role in the lives of men and women have surfaced as of late. The commitment to healing the fracture of not being loved must be foundational for women. It creates an openness and honesty that is necessary to be in community. When we lack self-love, we become a container for garbage that makes us feel like we must “outdo, out-work, out be” one another. Underneath that confusion is a sobering truth that many women would rather die than admit, most women don’t love themselves.
Read MoreBeing a mother raising a daughter, you quickly realize where your deficits are. Girls become a mirror for the wounded mother that wasn’t loved by their mother outwardly or validated by their father. Girls become a reflection of everything their mothers didn’t learn because shame crippled the generation before them. Girls become an image of all your wishes while at the same time becoming your triggers. I was a black girl that wasn’t accepted. Not because my mother didn’t want to, but because she didn’t have it mirrored back to her in a tangible way that led her to believe it was attainable. My mother didn’t think she could carry such a heavy mantle, so she dropped it, and I graciously picked it up, but not without some scars.
Read MoreI grew up in a dominant family system, raised by a single black mother who was the oldest of 12 children; I should not be the mother I am. I say this as a head nod to my mother but a revelation to myself. I should not be the mother that I am. Truthfully I can’t take the credit solely; my wife is a “G,” and in her defense, she would say that she was much more neglectful with the oldest kids. We admit that it was less to worry about when she raised the older kids. However, today we realize that to raise secure kids, you must be unequivocally secure, or someone will suffer, and I suspect it won’t be just the kids.
Read MoreBeing married when it is done correctly changes everyone involved. As I get older, I recognize that marriage is a container that isn’t always open to drink from. People hide their true selves under the microscope of perfection. It makes it impossible for other people to grow and learn how to live in a liberating way. My wife and I have grown in the face of confusion and disappointment, and we have learned about the daily practice of sacred love. Contemplating how we love and what we need to be the best version of ourselves, we create intimacy, communicate and, of course, go to therapy.
Read MoreI am product of abuse. Physical. Emotional. Sexual. I say this because most of my life, I would never have admitted such a truth. I would have made it sound more colorful, delightful so that it would be more palatable to digest. I would have danced around the verity of knowing that the pain I have endured didn’t start with me. It began with a trembling urgency to break free, it lingered in exchanges that were damaged from survival, it is suspended in generations that will not allow the pain to visit long enough to heal it. I am a guest in my family. They just don’t know it.
Read MoreI did not grow up with my parents staying together. It was one of the things that I missed the most. Not them specifically being together, but the idea of a love so expansive that it survives. I would have settled for a divorce coupled with a reconciliation that echoes “We did it.” It never happened + I never got to see two people making it, in + out of love. I missed that. It was not like I was a child that whispered, “God please keep my parents together.” I often prayed the opposite + hoped that they find peace individually. However, as I got older, I begin to see that relationships are this complex narrative that everyone tries to figure out. Some people never figure it out because they in no way make it to the part that ends in completion. It just stops. Abruptly sometimes, but all at once. Sometimes it ends so rapidly, everything comes undone + nothing can be salvaged. I was hoping that my parents could reclaim a few things left from the wreckage. But they never survived.
Read MoreThis picture is a moment of love. Deep love. Measured over moments of struggle + sometimes immense joy. I am learning to enjoy the view. Consume every moment of every second as I watch my daughter become a woman. As she emerges from the residue of trauma from two parents who collided without understanding the capacity of ushering an entire soul earth side. Its complicated! I wait patiently as she wonders will she be like me. I observe her as she begs Spirit to release her from the shackles of my life. I see her. I comfort her daily returning her to herself, the original design. I return to me as well….as I re-mother the broken parts of me.
Read MoreImagine birthing something only to realize you had to let it go. You couldn’t possess it, + you only were allowed to facilitate their growth based on their lived experience. This is parenting. It is the mirror that most of us mistake for our reflection when it really is a glimpse of our unresolved pain. It is a blessing to see the flowers bloom that you plant, but no one ever tells you the times your heart will shatter during certain seasons. No one explains the growth you will endure by raising a part of yourself. No one discusses the guilt you carry from wanting to do everything right while thinking, “I’m failing miserably.” Maybe it’s just me.
Read MoreMy mother was a complicated woman. Layered with the stench of a childhood that led her to never want kids. I am a product of that. I know it, she knows it + we have unpacked it several times over. I recall my introduction into the world way before I became Ikeranda because it is important to understand your birth story + how you even came to be. My story is hinged off my mother’s intention to never have kids. My father wanted kids, particularly a girl, so despite him leaving his intention brought me earthside. I am grateful for this narrative because it gives me a reference point + why re-mothering myself is so essential to my healing.
Read MoreBeing a woman is birthed from so much pain. The resilience I carry in my stride has carried me through many moments in life. My body has ached from the things it has endured. I am so proud of it. I continue to look at all the ways the world has tried to put in me in a box just because of who I am. It won’t work; however I appreciate how hard society tells me to marry by a certain time + birth just enough children to keep me from ever seeing the light of day. I laugh at how the world embraces the notion that makes me subservient in every space. I never listen because I know that it doesn’t apply to me.
Read MoreThere are moments in life when you have to make a decision that hurts you in places that you can’t seem to articulate. When you reach for the words, you can’t even begin to complete the sentences for fear of running into your own feelings. I understand the amount of work it takes to stay sane. It is dangerous when you leave doors + windows unlocked to a house you never owned keys to. It will leave you vacant in ways that you often wonder who ever granted permission to so many unworthy people.
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