Nurturing Parenthood and Marriage: Unveiling the Struggles of Raising Teens

May 15, 2023 by Ikeranda Smith in black blended families, black mothers, black female doctors, parenting, relationships, raising secure kids, self-improvement, self-discovery

Parenthood is a transformative journey filled with love, laughter, and countless memorable moments. However, it's no secret that raising teenagers presents a unique set of challenges that can significantly strain our relationships with our children and our marriages. In this blog post, we dive into the thought-provoking insights that explore the intricate dynamics of parenting middle and high schoolers while balancing the needs of a marriage and self-care. Join me as I unveil parents’ unspoken struggles and uncover practical strategies for navigating this critical phase of family life.

Finding Balance Amidst Responsibilities: Raising teenagers often means juggling academic demands, extracurricular activities, and social pressures. It's no wonder that many couples find it challenging to strike a balance between nurturing their children and maintaining a healthy marriage. My wife and I are strict about keeping our regular date nights.
Unlocking Effective Communication: Communication is the key to any successful relationship, but it becomes increasingly complex when raising teenagers. Hormonal changes, emotional sensitivity, and evolving identities can strain the lines of communication between parents and their teens, consequently impacting the marriage. My wife and I communicate often and daily; it helps to find humor and stay connected in a busy world (also, we are not glued to our phones).
Nurturing Identity and Connection: Couples need to navigate their personal growth while nurturing the marriage as our children grow into independent individuals. However, the demands of parenting often leave little room for self-discovery and shared interests. Therefore, my wife and I support one another as we continue evolving into the women we want to be.
The Power of Self-Care: Parenting is an all-encompassing journey that can leave us emotionally and physically drained. Neglecting self-care affects our well-being and adds to the stress experienced in our marriages. Therefore, my wife and I always ensure that we are active such as taking yoga and walking in our community (being active is essential to growth).
Seeking Support and Professional Guidance: Recognizing when to seek external support is a sign of strength and a valuable resource for couples navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Whether through counseling, joining parenting groups, or seeking advice from trusted mentors or friends, reaching out for guidance and how it can positively impact marriages and families. My wife and I swear by counseling (I firmly believe that as much as you help others, you must seek help as well).

Raising middle and high schoolers while nurturing ourselves and our marriages is undeniably challenging. However, we can actively work towards creating a harmonious and fulfilling family dynamic by acknowledging and addressing the unspoken struggles.

How Co-Parenting Has Affected My View of Marriage as a Black Woman

March 13, 2023 by Ikeranda Smith in black blended families, generational healing, LGBTQIA, parenting, personal growth, purpose, raising secure kids, relationships

Co-parenting has changed the way I view marriage as a black woman. Being in a healthy co-parenting relationship has shown me the importance of communication, trust, and respect in any relationship. It has also made me work harder on my relationship with my wife. We are constantly learning from each other, communicating more effectively, and supporting each other through the ups and downs of life. Our co-parenting relationship has been a strength and inspiration for our marriage. It has taught me valuable lessons about what it means to love and support your partner truly.

Notes on turning 44: Why not joy?

October 27, 2022 by Ikeranda Smith in Atlanta Georgia, black blended families, black professionals, children, gen x, generational healing, life, love, parenting, motherhood, raising secure kids

Why not love, or fun, possibly ease? How about a nap? Let’s relax and do nothing. Better yet, let’s skip a day of seriousness and be silly. I have always been quite hilarious; it’s one of the things I could do effortlessly in my life. It didn’t require anything of me. It took little to no effort, and I always got people to laugh. Then I realized that when you are known for certain things, people don’t want your truth, and they sure don’t want the weight of what it costs you to smile all the time. So, I stopped. I came to a screeching halt. I began to take like seriously, or maybe it just got severe, but whatever it was, I decided over 15 years ago to grow up.

CanadaTheGreat, Don't Forget To Love Yourself!

September 13, 2022 by Ikeranda Smith in black, black mothers, children, family, love, parenting, relationships, raising secure kids

Being a mother raising a daughter, you quickly realize where your deficits are. Girls become a mirror for the wounded mother that wasn’t loved by their mother outwardly or validated by their father. Girls become a reflection of everything their mothers didn’t learn because shame crippled the generation before them. Girls become an image of all your wishes while at the same time becoming your triggers. I was a black girl that wasn’t accepted. Not because my mother didn’t want to, but because she didn’t have it mirrored back to her in a tangible way that led her to believe it was attainable. My mother didn’t think she could carry such a heavy mantle, so she dropped it, and I graciously picked it up, but not without some scars.

Growth or Bust

September 06, 2022 by Ikeranda Smith in black, black blended families, black mothers, children, family, Inner child healing, motherhood, parenting, relationships

I grew up in a dominant family system, raised by a single black mother who was the oldest of 12 children; I should not be the mother I am. I say this as a head nod to my mother but a revelation to myself. I should not be the mother that I am. Truthfully I can’t take the credit solely; my wife is a “G,” and in her defense, she would say that she was much more neglectful with the oldest kids. We admit that it was less to worry about when she raised the older kids. However, today we realize that to raise secure kids, you must be unequivocally secure, or someone will suffer, and I suspect it won’t be just the kids.

The products we become...

July 19, 2021 by Ikeranda Smith in black fathers, black mothers, fatherhood, Inner child healing, love, parenting, motherhood, relationships, family

I am product of abuse. Physical. Emotional. Sexual. I say this because most of my life, I would never have admitted such a truth. I would have made it sound more colorful, delightful so that it would be more palatable to digest. I would have danced around the verity of knowing that the pain I have endured didn’t start with me. It began with a trembling urgency to break free, it lingered in exchanges that were damaged from survival, it is suspended in generations that will not allow the pain to visit long enough to heal it. I am a guest in my family. They just don’t know it.

Decolonizing Black Blended Families

June 29, 2021 by Ikeranda Smith in black, fatherhood, love, motherhood, parenting, black blended families

Some things were not meant to work + if you are blessed to start again with another human being that shares your same values…it’s a win! I have been navigating a blended family for many years, but it always reminds me that relationships need to be decolonized. I am a product of a blended family; my kids are products of a blended family + my wife’s kids are a product of a blended family. The more people to love. The more people to build community. The more people to give children a second chance at having minimal trauma. This is always the plan; however, it takes an enormous amount of work to achieve this goal. It takes open-minded people who have healed their inner child, put their egos in check + most of all want the best for the “children.”

Deep love measured over time

May 24, 2021 by Ikeranda Smith in black, black mothers, children, love, parenting, motherhood, relationships, women of color

This picture is a moment of love. Deep love. Measured over moments of struggle + sometimes immense joy. I am learning to enjoy the view. Consume every moment of every second as I watch my daughter become a woman. As she emerges from the residue of trauma from two parents who collided without understanding the capacity of ushering an entire soul earth side. Its complicated! I wait patiently as she wonders will she be like me. I observe her as she begs Spirit to release her from the shackles of my life. I see her. I comfort her daily returning her to herself, the original design. I return to me as well….as I re-mother the broken parts of me.

This Is Parenting

May 17, 2021 by Ikeranda Smith in black, black mothers, children, Inner child healing, love, life, motherhood, parenting

Imagine birthing something only to realize you had to let it go. You couldn’t possess it, + you only were allowed to facilitate their growth based on their lived experience. This is parenting. It is the mirror that most of us mistake for our reflection when it really is a glimpse of our unresolved pain. It is a blessing to see the flowers bloom that you plant, but no one ever tells you the times your heart will shatter during certain seasons. No one explains the growth you will endure by raising a part of yourself. No one discusses the guilt you carry from wanting to do everything right while thinking, “I’m failing miserably.” Maybe it’s just me.

The Good Stuff...

May 03, 2021 by Ikeranda Smith in black fathers, Inner child healing, life, parenting, relationships, fatherhood

Fathers hold a substantial about of weight in a child’s life + I carry the residue of this sentiment. My existence came on the hills of my mother’s + father’s relationship which I learned later in life was destined to never stand a chance. My father wanted kids + my mother did not so I was conceived in a womb that was vacant from the beginning. I understand that children can sense everything just from the intention of the space they reside. I understood that my existence frustrated my mother not because she did not want kids, but she wanted so desperately for her marriage to work. So when my father could not remain on the pedestal society put him on, he quickly fell from grace + so went my self-worth along with the marriage.

Tulips Bloom When They Want

March 01, 2021 by Ikeranda Smith in black mothers, children, love, parenting, motherhood, relationships

There are moments in life when you have to make a decision that hurts you in places that you can’t seem to articulate. When you reach for the words, you can’t even begin to complete the sentences for fear of running into your own feelings. I understand the amount of work it takes to stay sane. It is dangerous when you leave doors + windows unlocked to a house you never owned keys to. It will leave you vacant in ways that you often wonder who ever granted permission to so many unworthy people.

The Man I Never Knew

February 01, 2021 by Ikeranda Smith in black, black fathers, children, love, parenting, relationships, spirituality

When I think about my father + I there are few memories. Some of which are tainted with absence, addiction, laughter + hurt; yet it all tells a beautiful story of a man I never knew. When I think over the history of my life experiencing my father, I remember the silence of a man that never understood the power of his own words due to the pain of his own parents. His laughter was filled with all the things that he often desired as a child but never got to enjoy until he became a man. His stature was built from being torn down from the lack of a mothers’ touch, a father’s affirmation + a world that didn’t see the value in him. His anger was often like the wind, unpredictable + harsh; but if you were armed with the right stance you could learn a lot from his breeze.

Canada’s Corner

November 09, 2020 by Ikeranda Smith in black, black mothers, children, love, parenting, relationships

When I think about my time as a young precocious girl, I am often saddened due to the loneliness I endured. There were some generations that spent more time working than speaking. I often saw adults consumed with everything but their children under the guise that we were so responsible. Unfortunately, we were too responsible for our own good. We often buried ourselves in distractions that often lead us astray. Of course I am speaking from my own lived experience, so don’t mind me. I realize that if I wanted my parent’s attention, I had to get it by misbehaving because being good often got ignored due to other pressing issues. Its complicated!

Incessant Black Joy

September 28, 2020 by Ikeranda Smith in black, black mothers, children, love, parenting, motherhood, relationships

Parenting is hard for reasons that you can’t begin to write in one post. Its intricate, overwhelming, amazing, frightening, stressful, unbelievably joyous; yet every day I sit before the Creator + wonder “Hey God you sure I’m the right one for this gig?” I look at my son + intentionally teach him how to unravel himself from all the constructs the world tries to enforce upon him. Affirming him is my daily prayer, my first cup of coffee before I enter my day. It’s complicated!

My Modern Family

August 19, 2020 by Ikeranda Smith in black, black mothers, history, LGBTQIA, life, love, loveislove, marriage, parenting, motherhood

This image impeccably illustrates my life. Uninhabited + varied; yet filled with loads of oxymoron’s coupled with a lot of love. Our life is full of many imperfections; but it just works! I envision somewhere in the near future; we will weep tears of joy witnessing this moment come together. This moment is a flourishing smile from the Universe with an assurance that everything is always working out.

Generations

December 06, 2019 by Ikeranda Smith in black, black mothers, children, history, life, love, parenting, people of color, relationships

This moment is healing in motion striving to overcome the absence of women that put strained obligations of family + career before their children. Bygones! These smiles are therapeutic chandeliers that we are now beginning to hang in lieu of carrying the burdens of unmet needs of endless generations. These emotions are amplified from years of suppressing joy due to abusive lovers, absent parents, neglectful grandparents, Jim Crow, share cropping + clandestine meetings shared between broken adults recycling trauma. It’s complicated! Being black is complicated!

New Normal

December 06, 2019 by Ikeranda Smith in black, black mothers, children, love, parenting, relationships, spirituality

So here we are stepping into a new season. Somewhere I imagined this day. I even anticipated it. The day your moon would come to claim you as its own. I remember when you looked at me with such uncertainty, hoping that my love never diminished. Praying that this was the moment we empathized with each other because we could now understand the journey we both were taking. Isn’t it miraculous how the Universe climbs into our lap without warning only to swallow our fears and replace them with massive portions of purpose that will only fit in the Creators hands?

First Moon Celebration

December 06, 2019 by Ikeranda Smith in black, children, black mothers, leadership, love, motherhood, parenting, relationships, spirituality

This moment is essential not because it’s a photo of black women but it’s a snapshot of generations being healed + patterns being broken. When I divorced my kids father I didn’t understand the gravity of witnessing a family being torn apart by epigenetic trauma while trying to balance your truth + your kid’s hearts. It’s complicated!

Mothering

December 06, 2019 by Ikeranda Smith in black, black mothers, love, parenting, people of color, relationships, spirituality

This is my mother + we are re-building what it looks like to be in relationship with one another. When you are desperately “over parented” you spend most of your life in conflict with your caregivers/parents realizing that you never had the option to relax. You ingest anxiety in every interaction always wondering who your mother really is + if she ever desired to be her own woman. It has taken all of my mother’s life + mine to come to a place where we both release the weight of our undue expectations regarding the life we wanted. She didn’t have it to give + I don’t think she wanted to because historically black mothers didn’t have the time to extend love. Grief colored the tone of my mother’s voice leaving most interactions virtually impossible.

Raising My Daughter

December 06, 2019 by Ikeranda Smith in black, black mothers, children, LGBTQIA, life, love, parenting, motherhood, purpose, relationships, spirituality, women of color

When I see my daughter, I am humbled by her ability to carry the weight of peer pressure + being a middle -schooler like a 4-foot promise. Committed + occasionally drenched in momentary sadness; yet wearing her resilience like a finished sentence. On point + exact! She is everything I wanted to be but never had the space, bygones!